Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
