3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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