I'm gonna have a badass scar
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I need moral support for this bender
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
