This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
