i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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