i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
