I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
