I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
