its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
