why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you traded sex for a burrito?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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