R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
