I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
