Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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