Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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