My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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