Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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