Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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