I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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