he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
