Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
