So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
