I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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