a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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