the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
