Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
