Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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