Whod you bang
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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