My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
