I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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