Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Randomize