well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
