She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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