Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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