no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Someone came in the potted fern
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
