i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
