I am spending my child support on dildos
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
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I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
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I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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