Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
