Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
