we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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