i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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