So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
