He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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