i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
