Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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