I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
