I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
