Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
MIDGETS
????
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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