so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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