i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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