If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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