u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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