I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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