ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
