You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
