Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
