haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
