it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
this just has baby written all over it
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
