She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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