I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
