I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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