i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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