I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
